Wednesday, 31 December 2008

The Captain is Retiring



I remember when I wrote fanfiction. Not huge amounts, but I've written enough stories to be proud of. Not lately though.

Lately I have struggled to find the time, and when I do have the time I haven't got the inspiration. I've lost my mojo; the well has run dry. I don't have the same enthusiasm for the fandoms as I once did.

So this is it, I'm taking my final bow; this is the end of my relationship with fanfiction. Do not expect any more from the Captain. I may one or two more drabbles left in me, but they will b infrequent at best.

I want to thank everyone who's ever read or commented on my stories, the people who's stories I've loved, anyone who's ever given me encouragement help and feedback. Thanks guys, its been a hell of a ride.

So long...

Friday, 26 December 2008

My Music

I have a pretty eclectic taste in music. I know this, however, some of my friends don't. Some of the people I know still seem to think I'm stuck in the same musical rut I was when I was fourteen when pretty much all I listened to was rock and metal. So, in order to remedy this incorrect assumption, I have taken the liberty of cataloging my music collection.

It can be found here: captainraz's music collection

This is by no means an exhaustive list, and is very much a work in progress. Neither is it a complete list of my musical taste as it focuses only on whole albums rather than odd songs by an artist that I have. It should give all you doubters an idea of just how diverse my taste in music is.

And who knows, maybe I will compile a list of all the artists I like.


Monday, 1 December 2008

Long time no post...

Wow it's been a while since I've posted on here. Just goes to show how happy and busy I've been since August. Well, as a quick digest of my life;

In September I moved into a house with three of my friends from Uni. Times have been excellent and frivolous and much goodness has been had. They are good people, the house is lovely and well suited to me getting to lectures etc, and it's generally been great fun being a proper adult.

Later in September I started my second year at University *insert gasps and other panicky noises here*. Work has been challenging but the load fairly manageable up to this point. Next semester might be slightly different; 3 extra modules, an extra lab and a dissertation to write (it's not fair, its only my second year!!). Only two exams in January, which is good. I do have a test tomorrow (technically today by this point :S) but its only worth 10% of the module and we're allowed crib sheets :D Wish me luck anyway.

Society stuff has been quite fun. I'm enjoying being Vice President (or President of Vice as I like to call myself :P), knowing I'm really in charge without doing very much. Had a load of training to do and we've had one or two hiccups, but other than that it's been great fun. Will definitely be running again for next year :)

Christmas is coming up soon. I've got my first advent calender in years and I'm enjoying eating the chocolates before breakfast (cos I was never allowed to as a kid). No real idea what I want for myself but I've just about sorted other people out. I'm expecting good things from the bloke though :)

Speaking of whom, it is slowly creeping up to our first anniversary together :D I know it's not til the end of January, but I can't help being excited and part of me still can't believe it. We had wanted to go to Paris for the weekend to celebrate, but money and time constraints wouldn't allow :( So we've booked a mini-cruise to Amsterdam for sometime before we both have exams, and I can't wait. I know we're not quite there yet but I am so looking forward to another year together. We're planning on moving in together for our third year, which will be absolutely wonderful.

Anyways, it's late and I'd better shoot off. See ya'll again the next time I get the urge to post.

Friday, 29 August 2008

Letter to a Friend

I'm sorry.

I feel the need to apologise for so many things right now. Things have been hard lately, not just for me but for you as well. You have your own problems to deal with, and I shouldn't be dumping my own on you, nor should I be taking my anger and frustrations out on you. I don't like us arguing and I don't like the feeling that everything is not quite right between us.

You are my rock and my anchor, and right now I'm turning to you in desperation without thinking that you might need me too. I want to be there for you too, but I don't know how much I can help you because everything is so messed up in my own head. I don't feel like myself anymore; I don't feel like the confident young woman I have become, I feel like a scared little child who is running out of people to turn to.

But I am going to be better. I am going to be a better person, and I am going to be there for you when you need me.

I am not going to let the past ruin the present and dictate my future. Just because things went bad before doesn't mean they will again. I have to trust you completely, which I will admit I haven't been able to do of late.

I am going to trust you again.

I am going to be stronger than my issues; I won't let them beat me. As you and others keep telling me, most of them are unfounded anyway. But some of my issues have been there for a long time, I can't promise I will let go of them straight away. But I can promise that I will try.

I am going to be the person you need me to be. I can't live my life thinking only about myself, which is what I have been doing lately. You have your problems and issues too, and while I have tried my best to deal with them in the past I have been terribly lax of late. For that I am truly sorry.

Things have not been very good for me lately, not in any way really, you know this. But things will get better soon, I promise. When I'm free to be myself again, when I don't have the shadow of the past dragging up every single one of my issues and insecurities, when my issues aren't making me the most selfish person on the planet, when I have my own head sorted out, maybe then things will change.

Perhaps then I can be the friend you need me to be; the friend you deserve.

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Love Starts With a Smile

Been looking for this for a while. It's an old email meme that I got years ago and thought was nice enough to keep, but I thought I'd lost it. I found it today whilst clearing out old files on my laptop and decided to share it with you.



Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you

If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

You can only go as far as you push.

Actions speak louder than words.

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.

Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.

Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.

A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.

Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it.

BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look
beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.


Friends are FOREVER.

Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they
are always there.

Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the
person who made you cry?

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Most people walk in and out of you life, but only friends leave footprints in
your heart.

Send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really
make you mad sometimes and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!

Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

My Novel

Yesterday was quite an important day for me, though it didn't quite feel like it at the time. I was busy, so the significance of the day slipped by unnoticed.

Yesterday marked a year since I started work on my novel.

I finished the first draft at Christmas, giving it to my mother as her present with a dedication to her in the front. If it ever gets published, it will have that same dedication in the front. I am still working on the second draft, struggling to fit in my writing around everything else I need and want to do; struggling to find the energy and the inspiration to write.

I desperately want to get this published, but am slowly coming to realise tat this is highly unlikely while I'm still at University. I want to be a professional writer, but I also want to get my degree. I wouldn't have the time to meet any promotional demands a publisher would make should I be lucky enough to get a publishing deal.

Therefore, I believe I have come to a decision. I am going to finish this novel, then put it to one side. I will wait until I have left university before I attempt to get my book published. In the meantime I plan to work on the other ideas in my head. I have at least one sequel to the one I'm currently writing in the pipeline and at least one other idea I would like to try.

What I really want is to get back to the joy of writing; to be able to just let my imagination tun wild without worrying about whether it will sell or if people will like it. For now I think I will write for me. I'll worry about all that other stuff later

Monday, 14 July 2008

A meme a day ;p

Jacked from tegdoh

1. Which book would you like to jump into and why?
Most probably Lord of the Rings, given that its my favourite book. There’s so much to jump into, I could do anything I wanted in that world. As long as it involved waving a sword around and gurning at orcs once in while.

2. What do you do before bedtime?
check emails and facebook, say bye to Sam, put on pjs and brush teeth. Not necessarily in that order.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Simple, fairly low cost affair. What does it matter if you have 100 white doves or not as long as you’re marrying a man who loves you, respects you and wants to be with you for the rest of your lives?

4. If you can visit any planet, fictional or real what would it be?
Gallifrey. Orange sky people, how cool would that be?

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
A little bit of both, depending on the situation and who I’m with. And also occasionally the amount of alcohol available.

6. Cake or Death?
Uh death please… no! cake, cake, cake sorry.
You said death first ah ah ah death first!
I meant cake!

7. Do you trust easily?
No, not terribly easily no. But once I do I trust people implicitly.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Mope and be depressed about it and be utterly awkward and shy around him. Luckily, although he’s already attached, he’s attached to me ;p

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Being treated like shit by a potential employer.

10. Do you have a good body-image?
Not really. Nor do I have a particularly good perceived body image.

11. Is being tagged fun?
Dunno, I tend to steal memes rather than being tagged for them.

12. What websites do you visit daily?
Facebook, hotmail, SFFS forums, Least I Could Do webcomic

13. What is your favourite item of clothing?
Dunno. I love most of my t shirts to bits and have a few jackets I’m very fond of.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
No idea cos no one tagged me, I stole it :D

15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?
Usually Dove L’Amore by Cher. That happens a lot at the moment.

16. Where would you most like to travel?
New Zealand, Finland. I’ve also been promised a trip to Paris at some time in the indefinite future.

17. What's better: to give or to receive?
I believe you need a healthy balance of both.

18. What's the first thing you notice in people?
Whether their personality is genuine.

19. Would you bungie jump from the Empire State Building for $10,000,000?
Yes. These things really aren’t as dangerous as people think. It’s just they’re well publicised if and when things go wrong.

20: What were your parents going to name you if you'd been born the opposite gender?
Christopher. Which is what my elder brother is called.

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Lack of Better Things to Do?

I like memes, and currently have a fair amount of time on my hands. I like this one though, as it really makes you think about some things.

Nicked from iluvbeingme23

I am not: entirely sure I’m sane.
I love: my Splendibear
I hate: very sparingly
I fear: many trivial things. And being alone.
I hope: that things will stay pretty much the same for the foreseeable future.
I hear: things I shouldn’t and say nothing about them.
I crave: acceptance. And mostly these days I get it.
I regret: as few things as possible.
I cry: over small things sometimes. It’s usually those that get me.
I care: about many people.
I always: try want to do my best,
I believe: in myself now more than I ever have in the past.
I feel alone: very rarely these days.
I listen: when people need me to, and for as long as they need to speak.
I hide: my fears and my inadequacies.
I drive: people up the wall.
I sing: frequently, loudly and probably out of tune.
I dance: marginally better than I sing.
I write: because I have to. I can’t help myself.
I play: silly games on the internet to pass time.
I miss: people who aren’t in my life anymore; they’ll never know how much they mean to me.
I search: for the hero inside myself.
I learn: from my mistakes.
I feel: far older than I actually am.
I know: that even if I fail in everything I set out today, there are people who will still love me and support me.
I say: ridiculous things sometimes.
I succeed: when I try hard enough.
I dream: of some extremely odd things. Wookie research centres for example.
I wonder: what the future will hold. Then I remember half the funs in not knowing.
I want: world peace, but then doesn’t everyone?
I have: the right to remain silent.
I give: my time and my energy rather than my money.
I fell: hard and fast. And I’m still falling.
I fight: tooth and nail for those whom I love.
I need: food and water and shelter to survive; I need love to live

I've come to realize that when I talk: I will always have someone to listen.
I've come to realize that if I love someone: I give them everything I have to give.
I've come to realize that I need: nothing that I haven’t already got. Except maybe a job.
I've come to realize that I've lost: none of my childlike wonder.
I've come to realize that I hate it when: people judge me without knowing me. And the same when they do it to other people.
I've come to realize that if I'm drunk: I need to be very careful who I flirt with.
I've come to realize that money: is very useful, but isn’t everything.
I've come to realize that my mother: was right.
I've come to realize that I'll probably always be: the person I am now. You'll just have to get used to it.
I've come to realize that I have a crush on: lots of people. None of whom matter very much because I’m in love with someone anyway.
I've come to realize that the last time I cried was: very much needed.
I've come to realize that my cell phone: isn’t as useful as you’d think. Damn thing never rings.
I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I want to fall back asleep and into that dream.
I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night: I over think everything I’ve done in my day.
I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about: soppy things. And its all Sam’s fault.
I've come to realize that babies: taste better with ketchup (and obviously aren’t for me).
I've come to realize that today I will: do nothing particularly constructive.
I've come to realize that tonight I will: stay up far too late talking and procrastinating.
I've come to realize that tomorrow I will: be one day closer to where I want to be.
I've come to realize that I really want to: go dancing in the rain.
I've come to realize relationships: are only meaningful if you’re willing to work to make them that way.
I've come to realize love: is not something that really be defined, only expereinced.
I've come to realize my best guy friend: is a muppet, but I still love him,
I've come to realize my best girl friend: won’t ever be perfect.
I've come to realize food: tastes better when you’re eating it in good company.
I've come to realize that when I'm a boyfriend/girlfriend: I’m more likely to show my hopeless romantic side. Normally I hid it away.
I've come to realize girls and boys: are very different creatures with very different needs.
I've come to realize over the summer: that more people hold me in high esteem than I thought.
I've come to realize heartbreak: is something that you can get over.

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Memey : )

Single. Words. Only. No. Repeats.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Elsehere
3. Your hair? Purple
4. Your mother? Asleep
5. Your father? Same
6. Your favorite time of day? Morning
7. Your dream last night? Weird
8. Your favorite drink? Tea
9. Your dream goal? Writer
10. The room you’re in? Bedroom
11. Your ex? fool
12. Your fear? alone
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
14. What you are not? depressed
15. Your Favorite meal? pasta
16. One of your wish list items? job
17. The last thing you did? type
18. Where you grew up? seaside
19. What are you wearing? Clothes
20. Your TV is? off
21. Your pets? dog
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your life? complete
24. Your mood? happy
25. Missing someone? boyfriend
26. Your car? Car?
27. Something you’re not wearing? makeup
28. Favorite store? Bookstore
29. Your summer? boring
30. Your favorite color? purple
31. When is the last time you laughed? today
32. When is the last time you cried? thursday
33. Your health? good
34. Your children? Never!
35. Your future? good
36. Your beliefs? pagan
37. Young or old? young
38. Your image? geeky
39. Your appearance? dunno
40. Would you live your life over again knowing what you know? yup

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Call of Nature

I went for a walk today, just to get me out of the house. Walked around town, and then went to the beach.

It's amazing how I'd almost forgotten how amazing the wind felt on my skin, and how exhilarating the scent of the sea. That slight tang of salt on the air. I walked one the beach and enjoyed the feel of the cool, damp sand under my bare feet.

It made me feel alive again, and cleared my thoughts.

It was exactly what I needed after how I've felt all week, even if it didn't solve any of my problems.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Whiskey Lullaby

Whiskey Lullaby

This little fic is a bit of an experiment, and was inspired by the song ‘Whiskey Lullaby’ by Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley. Each of the chapters is a drabble, of exactly 100 words. Once again, I own nothing except my imagination. Please let me know what you think. Mature themes explored. Also my first LOTR fic in years.


Aragorn was weary; long had his road and his toil been, and he had been looking forward to a rest in his childhood home of Imladris for many months. But it was not just his weariness that had his spur his horse on; it was also the prospect of seeing his beloved Evenstar again, for it had been many a year since they had last met. He had not laid eyes upon his love since they had plight their troth on Cerin Amroth. Since then he had travelled much, and he felt old. He needed her to feel young again.

Chapter 1

He approached her chambers with the nervous excitement of a teenager in the throes of his first love. When he rapped on the door of her sitting room there was no answer so he let himself in. The room was empty, so he also let himself into her bedchamber, and his heart stopped. The sight of his beloved in the throes of passion with another man, an elf he didn’t recognise scorched his eyes. His jaw slackened and his heart shattered into a million tiny shards. Quickly he left the room, Arwen’s cries and apologies following him, haunting his steps.

Chapter 2

Fornost, and the sanctuary of his people was where Aragorn headed. He wanted to hide, to forget everything he had ever felt. Most of all he wanted to forget the images playing round his head. The months passed by and he threw himself into his work, and his journeys, but even falling into bed exhausted couldn’t make him forget. So Aragorn started drinking; wine, spirits, anything to try and make him forget, to erase the pain and allow himself a decent nights sleep without the dreams. His friends were worried about him, but he brushed them off, and kept drinking.

Chapter 3

Eventually the Dunedain were forced to take action against their leader. Aragorn had been drinking more and more, and was now a liability in battle. So they took him to the only place he would be safe; where there was help. Rivendell. Once there his problem only worsened. One night, when he’d had enough, Aragorn downed a bottle of whiskey and walked up a ravine in the valley. He stood at the edge, and let himself fall. They found him the next day, face down in the river; a note in his pocket saying ‘I’ll love her ‘til I die’.

Chapter 4

Arwen watched them bury him in a grove of trees he’d loved playing in as a child. She blamed herself for his death, how could she not? The day of his funeral she picked up one of his half drunk bottles of whiskey and finished for him, in his memory. Whispered rumours passed between the elves that is was her ‘affair’ that had driven him to kill himself. They pointed, they stared, and they blamed. She drank to block out their accusing gazes, to block out the guilt and the pain. She hid her problem, but it only grew worse.

Chapter 5

In her hand was a sketch she had done of Aragorn, years ago when they’d still been happy, and full of love. She took a sip of her whiskey. She missed him, so much it hurt. The guilt was too much. Her life was long, but without him it was unbearable. That was why she had decided to do this. She cut her wrists with a silver knife, and let the wounds bleed, sipping whiskey as she bled. They buried her beside her lost love, and it seemed even the Valar sang a lament for the deaths of the lovers.


The years wore on and passed into the War of the Ring. Here the deaths of Aragorn and Arwen were felt most keenly. Gollum was never captured and taken to the elves of Mirkwood. The kingdoms of men remained scattered, divided, leaderless; Gondor and Rohan were both razed to the ground. The Hobbits never made it to Rivendell with the ring. The Nazgûl found them and Sauron took back what was his. There was no Fellowship to stop him. He covered Middle Earth in a darkness that would last until the ending of the world.

Thus ended the Third Age.

Like the Twilight

For reasons I'm not quite sure I understand, I have spent most of today perilously close to tears. I think it might just be things building up again; tiny small things that could easily be dealt with on their own, but together are almost too much to cope with.

I know that the fact I still don't have a job is getting to me again. I had an interview on Friday and haven't yet heard back; the waiting is killing me. I've managed to convince myself that I won't get it, but I don't want to go searching for another job until I know for sure.

The lack of a job has lead to extreme irritable boredom. I'm itching for something to do, something constructive, and that preferably doesn't involve staring at a screen for hours on end. Yet when I try to do odd jobs, even the weather conspires against me. There are cars to wash and grass to be mown but I can't because of the traditional English summer we're having.

And on top of that, somewhere inside me there is a hole, and it hurts. The kind of hurt that comes from questioning friendships you thought were forever; the kind of hole that is left when you're unsure how long someone will be in your life. I know I want to be there for the person in question, but again I'm left wondering how many more times I can withstand them hurting me. I've lost too many friends, and I would hate to lose them as well but that is what may well happen when I've had too much and finally speak my mind.

I know that all of this feels so much worse because I'm missing Sam. He is my rock and my strength; things seem so much easier to deal with when we're together. Compassion just isn't the same when it's given over MSN or down the phone; nothing can compare to offloading the troubles of your mind while in the arms of the one you love.

But I am going to stay positive. Tomorrow I am going to get a letter telling em I've got this job, and then I will have something to occupy my time; things are going to turn out fine with my friend, and I shall be seeing Sam again on the 17th.

And then on the 19th we will celebrate six months together.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Letter to an Old Friend- Mark II

Yesterday marked a year since we parted ways, and I barely even noticed it. There was no significance to the day for me, I wonder if anything registered in your mind.

For me the important thing is not the fact I missed it; I want to tell you why I missed it.

I missed what could have been a significantly miserable marker in my life because right now I am the happiest I have been in a very, very long time. I missed the first anniversary of our breaking up because I am far more focussed on the far more important fact that I am coming up to the half year anniversary with someone else.

I refuse to compare you to him, or him to you, because that's not fair on either of you. But I will tell you that I love him, completely, with my whole heart and every fibre of my being. With him I can be myself, in ways I never could with you, and I know that he loves me, completely, for the person that I am.

I found my knight in shining armour, I found the man who could set my soul on fire. He taught me how to love again, deeper and stronger than ever before. Because of him I am now free of my fear of the future; I am free to be myself. He tells me I am beautiful and I believe him, because it is written in his eyes. When did you ever tell me I was beautiful?

I still do not regret the time we had together, and I know that I will never forget you, but I have moved on now, and I hope that you have too. I hope that you are happy. I know that I am completely, utterly, totally happy. I have found someone who feels like the other half of my soul, and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life (which I am no longer afraid to plan) finding out if he is.

Thursday, 26 June 2008


Two weeks I have been home from University. Two weeks, and already I feel like screaming. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to survive the next ten weeks. Those people who were looking forward to coming home, I am afraid I will never understand you. I'd still be there if I could, and would never come back; at least not for any longer than a visit.

I miss Sam like crazy, I miss my friends like crazy and my grandmother is driving me up the wall. I need a job as much to get me out of the house as for the money, but try as I might I don't seem to be able to get even the most menial of jobs. Which is one of the reasons I wanted to get out of this backwards little town in the first place.

I hate this being stuck back at home, and I resent the loss of my freedom again. I long to be back in my own space, doing things by myself and for myself, according to my rules.

I want to be myself again.

I want a job so that I can afford to get out of here; get back to Nottingham, see my Sam, see other people. I found the perfect job for me; good pay, odd hours that meant I could do what I wanted, but they don't seem to be interested. I'm trying other places but I'm not holding my breath that I'll be any more successful. I'm starting to lose hope and becoming demoralised, wondering if there's even a point to trying to find a job anymore.

The only bright light at the moment is that I am going back to Nottingham tomorrow, but it's only for the weekend. By Monday, I'll be back here, practically climbing the walls again. How am I going to survive until September?

I'll let you know as soon as I do.

The big read

Nicked from jesspallas

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Strikethrough ones you started but never finished
5) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (read bits and bobs of it)
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (which is part of the chronicles)
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert (I'd probably get shot if I didn't say I intend to read it!)
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker (It's on my extensive reading list)
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Final Score: 16/100

That's respectable I feel, considering most of the books I read aren't considered classics, some books I consider classic are not on this list, and quite a few of these I don't consider classic and wouldn't read if you paid me.

And to be fair, I've a lot of adulthood left in which to catch up :P

Friday, 6 June 2008

New Fanfic from the Captain!

Utterly shameless pimpage. Posted my first real fic in over six months at metamorfic_moon and I'm rather pleased with it. Hopefully (and keep your fingers crossed for me) I'll be able to get another one done this weekend in time for the extended deadline. In the meantime, if you'd like to fall for my big puppy dog eyes and mosey on down to check it out. Don't forget to check out the rest of the fiction and art as well. :)

For the Want of Your Love

Thursday, 17 April 2008

Fanfic: Breathing

Title: Breathing
Ratings/Warnings: G, none
Word Count: 100
Summary: Tonks used to love Remus’ breathing
Author’s Note: I’ve neglected fanfiction terribly so far this year, owing to working on my novel. So I thought I would get back into it and try my hand at a drabble, which I’ve never done before. I’m surprised I managed exactly 100 words :)

Breathing. That was what Tonks loved most about Remus; his breathing. Every breath was so deep and so steady. It was a constant in a life that badly needed it. Where she was a whirlwind of colour and fun he was steady, and constant. Just like his breathing.

She used to love lying awake at night, smiling, listening to his soft inhales and exhales. But not any more. Remus took away her nighttime and his steadying influence when he left her.

And when she thinks about it, the day he left her is the only time his breathing wasn’t steady.

Monday, 14 April 2008


10 things I have learned from RENT that have changed the way I live my life;

1) No day but today.

2) Forget regret, or life is yours to miss

3) Never be afraid to be yourself, no matter what.

4) Love with your whole heart; never let go.

5) Never give up on something if you know it is worth it.

6) Friendship is more important than anything else.

7) Money can help you survive, but you don't need it to really live.

8) Nothing that happened in your past is worth sacrificing your future for.

9) It doesn't matter what age, race, colour, creed, religion or sexuality a person is. We're all human underneath.

10) Any hurt can heal, given enough time and enough love.


Love. It's a funny word isn't it? We think we know what it means, but we don't. Even when we feel it we can't define it. You can't describe how you love someone, you just know that you do. It is a term that is universal yet undefinable; something unique and remarkable.

And can you ever pinpoint the exact moment you fell in love with someone? I don't think so. You can only pinpoint the moment it hit you that was how you felt about them. The actual falling in love part happened sometime before.

Is it really a tangible thing, then?

"If music be the food of love, play on," said Orsino.

It's only when you're in love yourself that you understand what the love songs are about. And then you realise that they're right, every single one of them. Yes, love can hurt, but it is also true that the pleasure is worth all the pain. That feeling of elation you get when it's going right far outweighs the feeling of hurt when it all goes wrong.

No matter how many times a heart is broken it can still heal and learnt to love again. It is an amazing thing. And even though it is intangible and undefinable, love is fundamental to making us human.

Saturday, 12 April 2008


They say a picture is worth a thousand words. And given that they also say the pen is mightier than the sword a picture is a powerful thing indeed. Mind you, I'd like to know exactly who 'they' are and exactly who gave them so much authority.

Pictures can tell the story of a person's life. Sometimes I look at photographs of myself and I don't recognise the person in them. They're not quite me. But you put all the photos together and they tell the story of how I became me, of how I found myself.

Some days I'm not sure if I really do know who I am, but I'm pretty damn content with the person I've become.

I know that I am loved.

I know that the only person who defines me is me.

I know that I have the courage to be myself and to follow my dreams.

I know that I can do anything I want if I just try hard enough.

I know that I have learned from my past mistakes, and am wise enough not to make them in the future.

I know that that is enough.


I am a writer. It's not a career, it's a compulsion. I have to write, otherwise I lose track of my thoughts and they're lost forever. My ideas are like grains of sand slipping through my fingers unless I catch them, writing them down to fix them in reality.

My life is littered with thoughts scribbled onto scraps of paper.

Occasionally the fractured pieces come together as a coherent whole and let me tell a story or share a philosophy. But sometimes the ideas remain as they are; fractured pieces of a whole I cannot yet see.

Perhaps one day, when all my thought are scribbled on to scraps of paper. Perhaps then I can stop writing.

Until then though, it is something I have to do.


There go my childhood dreams. Floating away like dust in the wind. Twisted silhouettes disappearing over time, replaced by new ones. Adult dreams, now that I really know what will make me happy. Forget being an astronaut; I've learned to cultivate more realistic dreams. Goals that are attainable, so close that I can reach out and touch them.

I'm older now, and hopefully wiser. I know that there's no such thing as a happily ever after; nothing is as easy as that. Happiness has to be worked at. You don't find your Handsome Prince and everything falls into place, misery erased from your life. It's not easy being a Princess and more often than not Prince Charming will be the source of your unhappiness. That's why you have to work at it, work together and above all, talk to each other.

Yes, I've abandoned my childish dreams, but I've found something better; a reality that will make me truly happy if I work at it.

Friday, 11 April 2008

Meme time; but this one's really nice

Found this searching the metamorfic_moon f lists. From mysterykar's journal.

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now, don't name the person:

1) Right now I miss you but I will see you soon. I can’t believe how quickly you;v e become such an important part of my life; really we’ve had so little time but it’s always felt like forever. With you I am whole and I am strong. I want you to know that I’m grateful for you, even if I don’t show it. You’re everything I ever wanted, and I don’t want to let go.

2) Thankyou for always being there. For always telling me I could be whatever I wanted if I just tried hard enough. You have given me the courage to follow my dreams, and one day I promise I will make you proud.

3) You are an enigma, my friend. Hard to grab hold of, like sand running through my fingers, but once I’ve caught you you’re a rock for me. You’ve been there for me through some tough times, and for that I lvoe you. It doesn’t matter how long we go without speaking, when we’re together it’s like we’ve never been apart. You don’t know how grateful I am for a friendship like that.

4) I don’t think you’ll ever know how much you hurt me. Or maybe you already know, by how much you hurt yourself. I just want you to know that there’s no hard feelings. I learned a lot from our time together, and now I hav ehealed I am stronger. I wish you the best of luck in life.

5) We’ve been friends forever. Never really best friends, but friends nonetheless. It’s hard to imagine life without you, and although we have completely separate lives now, I hope you will continue to be a part of mine. No matter how long its been. Don’t be a stranger.

6) You and I have never really had that much in common; we were thrown together a bit, but that’s never reallly mattered. But we can talk to each other with complete honesty, which is a rarity in this secretive world. You make me laugh when I need to and listen when I’m down. No matter how things look, you have always been a good friend to me.

7) We’ll be back soon hunnii. And you really don’t have to tell me EVERYTHING you know.

8) I really have lead you thoroughly astray haven’t I? And now you’re living in tomorrow, misbehaving on your own. Come home soon. I miss you.

9) You’re a muppet, but you have your moments. Moments for which I am very grateful, because otherwise I would hate you.

10) You’ve let me down. You’ve been selfish and taken me for a ride. You’ve not been the best friend you could have been. But I’ll still be there when you need me, when you come crawling back, because that’s what friends do. After all this time I’m not going to hold something as trivial as you being an idiot agasint you.

NINE things about yourself:

1) I don’t really like the way I look, but I’ve learned to accept it. And modify it.

2) I just don’t understand vegetarians. No bacon sandwiches? Ever?!?

3) I have based my life philosophy on a musical. Sounds crazy but it works.

4) I don’t like eggs.

5) My Mum always said I was six going on thirty. Now I’m nineteen going on three.

6) I’m perfectly comfortable in my own space.

7) I have some deep seated insecurity issues that I don’t like people to know about, but I’m working on them.

8) I used to have a crippling fear of the future. The march of time used to absolutely terrify me. That’s why I can only think about the present, and live from day to day.

9) I like doing things that scare me just becasue they scare me. It reminds me I’m alive.

EIGHT ways to win my heart:

1) Be honest and truthful.

2) Accept me exactly the way I am, and never try to change me.

3) Be a kind, generous person.

4) Make me laugh. I love to laugh.

5) Don’t be afraid to talk about feelings. Don’t be afaid to talk full stop.

6) Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourslef. I’m not.

7) Talk to me. As an actual person. And never treat me as a posession.

8) Love me. With everything you’ve got.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1) My boyfriend.

2) Plot ideas and ways to edit my novel.

3) Random Harry Potter thoughts.

4) Food (so sue me)

5) Worries about money, the future etc.

6) How I can be a better person.

7) What can I learn from what just happened?

SIX things you wish you never did:

1) Begged to be taken back

2) Intentionally be mean to someone because they hurt me

3) Lied

4) Lose touch with good friends. There’s no excuse for it in this day and age.

5) Not say exactly how I felt on a couple of occasions

6) Broke my ankle.

FIVE turn offs:

1) Arrogence

2) Narcissism

3) Being a ‘pretty boy’

4) Showing no concern for the feelings of others

5) Being shallow.

FOUR turn ons:

1) A genuinely caring person.

2) A sense of humour

3) Intelligence (or at least the ability to hold your own in a conversation)

4) Honesty

THREE words that describe your life:

1) Busy

2) Varied

3) Content

TWO things you want to do before you die:

1) Visit New Zealand

2) Become a published author

ONE confession:

1) The confident, bubbly, outgoing person I try to be is a persona that I hard worked for. Inside I am a horribly insecure person with zero self esteem.

Tuesday, 1 April 2008

The Great Mobile Phone Saga

I hate mobile phones. And I hate Vodafone. Things are supposed to be very simple for people with contract phones and insurance; when your phone breaks they take it away and fix it. Apparently this is not the case. Vodafone have managed to mess me about, completely piss me off and leave me without my phone after a MONTH without it.

My phone died on Thursday; that is Thursday 29th FEBRUARY. I just plugged it in to charge it up that night and… nothing happened. Over the next three days it slowly lost battery with me completely unable to do anything about it. By the Saturday I knew I needed to do something about it, as I had just applies for a new job and my mobile is basically the only way anyone can contact me.

By this point we’d decided it was probably the battery, as the battery is only guaranteed for six months even though the phone is guaranteed for two years. Guess how long I’ve had it?

The simple answer would have been to take it into a Vodafone shop and get it fixed, but I can’t cos contract is in my mother’s name. And in any case, I needed a usable phone immediately, not in a week. So I’m running around Beeston trying every phone shop to see if they have a battery for my phone. The answer all round was that they don’t keep them in stock, but they could order one in, which would take about a week. Which was absolutely great because I needed it that day. The nice bloke in the Orange shop said that the Carphone warehouse might have one, but kindly neglected to tell myself (and my poor boyfriend, who’d been bullied into accompanying me) where the Carphone warehouse was. We finally got directions from a lovely woman in the café we stopped off at for a cuppa because I was starting to get annoyed by this point.

Turns out that the Carphone warehouse was at leat a miles walk away. Definitely walkable distance if you’re not a cripple with a bad ankle and you’ve already been walking around for at least two hours. We got to the Carphone warehouse and waited patiently while the bloke sorted out some other person who didn’t seem to quite understand the process of buying a new mobile phone. When we finally managed to speak to someone it turned out that the DID indeed have batteries in stock. Hallelujah, problem solved! Except that they had a battery for my make of phone, but not my model. Apparently there is no such thing as a standard mobile phone battery anymore, despite the fact that is says STANDARD FUCKING BATTERY ON THE BATTERY FOR MY MOBILE PHONE.

At this point I was getting desperate. Fortunately Beeston has a cash converters so I nipped in there to buy a cheap, second hand mobile phone and a pay as you go sim card. At this point I was starting to feel relieved and went to let my potential employers know my new number.

I managed to register the sim alright, but nearly 24 hours later I still couldn’t text from it, as I’d not had my confirmation text. Getting ratty again, I turned the phone off and back on, and lo and behold, there was my text! Next problem; putting credit on the phone. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t register my e top up card, and I was apparently being charged for a call that was supposed to be free, which ate up the £1 credit I got simply for signing up. In the end I gave up and biked to Sainsbury’s for a voucher. Credit went on no problem and hey presto, a usable phone at last!

At this point I thought everything would be fine. I’d be home for Easter in less than two weeks and we could take it in to the Vodafone shop to get it fixed. No problems right? Little did I know my problems were only just beginning.

We took my phone into the Vodafone shop at home on St Patrick’s Day. Handed it over to the assistant, explaining what had happened. They booked it in and said they’d send it off for repair under the warranty. They said that it should be back on Thursday (20th March) but it might take a week. I’d get a text when it was back in store (not that they offered me a courtesy phone, I had to rely on putting my sim card into my mum’s phone every so often cos my emergency replacement was on orange and wasn’t unlocked). I went on my way and thought everything was hunky dory.

Thursday came and went. I thought that was okay, cos they’d said it MIGHT take a week. Monday came and went; they’d had it a week and still nothing. But we gave them the benefit of the doubt as it was the bank holiday. By this time by stop gap phone was on its last legs (that’s cash converters for you) and I was forced to dig up one of my old phones that was at least three years old just so I’d have a workable phone. By the time Friday rolled round and I’d still heard nothing, I was well and truly pissed off at Vodafone. Saturday (March 29th) we went back to the shop to see why they’d needed nearly a fortnight to sort out what I’d assumed was a simple enough problem.

Turns out that the repair centre had decided it was ‘customer damage’ and therefore not covered under warranty and they needed my permission to actually repair it. Except they’d not let me know that that was the case so I couldn’t give permission, and neither had they let the shop know. Cue a ginormous hissy fit that in the least persuades the shop manager to waiver the £40 repair charge that we should pay cos they decided the damage was my fault. So the shop manager sent off the email telling the repair centre to repair the phone and said it might be another week.

Today I got the text saying that the shop had received my phone back. Hooray, end of saga. Not by the look on the manager’s face when we walked into the shop. The repair centre had indeed sent my phone back; UNREPAIRED. Apparently they can’t read emails that say ‘PLEASE REPAIR’! The manager was obviously wary of another hissy fit as I now have £20 credit on my bill as well as a courtesy phone (finally, a phone that actually works.)

But yet again I have to wait a week to see if they are actually gonna fix my damned phone. Its not difficult, and its their bloody job. Suffice to say I now have the number for the Vodafone store so the next time I get a text saying my phone’s ready I can ring up and check it has actually been repaired. I am NOT happy with the service I have gotten from Vodafone (and d’you know what, I thin they could tell) but at least in the meantime I have a working phone.

So, in short, I am not happy with my phone for dying in the first place (although APPARENTLY it was my sodding fault anyway) and I am very nearly on the verge of hating Vodafone and every single person employed by them.

The only solution I see to this is to go out and get good and drunk. Thank goodness I’m off out tonight for a girly night with shwenny and our mothers.

Sunday, 16 March 2008

The Meaning of Life

What is the meaning of life? Philosophers have pondered this question for centuries. Religions have attempted to help us answer the questions, and Douglas Adams succeeded (the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything being of course 42). But none of the answers given seem to agree with each other, and I think I know why.

There is no universal meaning of life.

Think about it, if there WAS an objective, universal meaning to life, wouldn’t we have found it by now? And wouldn’t it be boring if the life of every single person on this planet meant exactly the same thing?

Infer what you will from this; that this is proof that there is no God or whatever, but I think I know why there isn’t a true meaning to Life Itself.

There is no objective, absolute, universal meaning to Life because it is down to each individual person to give their own life as much meaning as possible. It is up to YOU to find the meaning in YOUR life. Fill your life with as many amazing experiences as you possibly can; do something wonderful for someone else; help out a person in need; do something that absolutely terrifies you, just to prove you’re alive; love fiercely with your whole heart every single time; learn to forgive, no matter what wrong has been done to you; live each day as if it’s your last. Make the most out of every single moment you have been given so that you can look back over what you have done and know that even though you cannot know THE meaning of Life, you do know the meaning in YOUR life.

I believe that if a person can do all this, then it won’t matter that the philosophers and thinkers can’t find the true meaning of life, because you will have given your own life more meaning than they ever could. Do you really want to wait around for someone else to tell you the meaning of your own life? I know I don’t, which is why I will do my best to do every single one of the things I have mentioned.

I will take every opportunity that comes my way, and never ever turn down an experience I’ve never had before; I will do wonderful things for other people, and I will help them out when they need me; I will still do things even though they scare the hell out of me; I will love with my whole heart, no matter how many times it gets broken and I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me. I will live each day as if its my last, and make every moment count. I will let the people I love give meaning to my life. So that I WILL be able to look back over my life and think ‘I did the best I could with what I’ve got; I made the most out of what I was given.’

I don’t care about ‘the meaning of life’ because I already know the meaning in mine.

And because I already know it; 42, of course.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

Letter to an Old Friend; an old Flame

I wish you could see me now; see the person I have become without you, because of you. Here I am in my element, wearing my personality on my sleeve; but not my heart. Not my heart. I cannot wear my heart on my sleeve where it belongs with my personality because you never quite gave me it back when you broke it. You left. You left me alone to slowly mend the pieces of my broken heart; to collect them from where you scattered them to the four winds.

I think that you would disapprove of me if you knew me now; there are so many things I have done and will continue to do that I know you would not like. But I do not do them out of spite; that is not in my nature and I never hated you enough to spite you. I tried to hate you, but I could never bring myself to do it. No, I simply do these things because it is me. I am simply wearing my personality on my sleeve; or in my hair. I never quite realised how much I could not be myself around you. I know now.

You told me you loved me; I told you the same. Many times I wondered if you really meant it. Some days I wonder if you ever really knew the meaning of the word. I know I did. In the end, loving you meant that I had to let you walk out of my life and break my heart without rhyme nor reason nor prior warning. Because I could never have forced you to stay if it was no longer right for you. Yes, despite everything, I loved you with my whole heart, and a small part of me still does. Some part of me always will.

For me, this is closure. I have cried over you, and for you, more times than I care to count. I will shed no more tears for you. My heart has belonged to you long enough, and now it is time to move on. Though you broke it, it is now mended and ripe for giving to someone else; finally I am free. I am ready to be everything I was before, and I will fall in love again. I can and I will.

All I am waiting for now is another knight in shining armour to come set my heart and soul on fire. I will wear my heart on my sleeve for him, and he will teach me how to love again.

Friday, 4 January 2008

My first meme of 2008!

Haven't posted in a while so I thought i'd kick of 2008 with this meme nicked from a friend on facebook

SINCE 2007 STARTED: (All that time ago lol)

1. Have you had a gf/bf?: Brought in '07 with one, didn’t bring in '08 with him though

2. Have you had your birthday?: Yes, and its hurtling towards me again

3. Been to church?: Yeah for some rededication thing

4. Cried yet?: In 07, lots.

5.Had sex?: See aforementioned boyfriend comment

6 Had someone close to you pass away?: Yes. My favourite Great Aunt Passed away the week I started UNI and mum didn’t tell me

7 Pulled an all nighter?: Tried to lol

8 Drank starbucks?: NO, I prefer my coffee homemade and non corporation-like (ran away from me lol)

9 Gone shopping?: *blank, disbeleiving stare*

10. Gone to the movies?: Couple of times

11 Been to the beach? Yup

12 Bought something for over $200?: Bought my sports membership which was over £100

13 Met someone new?: Loads of fabulous people

14 Been out of your home state?: Several times

15. Gone snowboarding?: No, not that I wuold be adverse to going snowboarding

[[In The Past Month...]]

1. Kissed someone?: Yeah my best mate Shwenny at New Year

2. Slept in a friend's bed?: Shwenny again

3. Snuck someone over?: Nope

4. Snuck out of your own house?: Nope

5. Been in a bar?: Oh yes

6. Lied?: not that I know of

7. Gotten a car?: Driving is a touchy subject, so no

8. Gone over your cell phone bill?: Nah, cos my mum pays it now!

9. Been called a whore? Not in my hearing

10. Drove somewhere?: Got driven home for Xmas

11. Done something you regret?: I don’t believe in regret. Theorectically


Things you bought lately?: Alcohol lol

Person you hugged?: Mum

Person to call you?: Some random personwho hung up on me

When was the last time you felt stupid? Crying on Mark at Spider’s

When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile?: Mile? Walk? Run? No comprende

Who was the last person who saw you cry?: Mark

Who was the last person who made you cry?: Aforementioned Ex Boyfriend

Who was the last person you watched a movie with?: Watched Star Wars; New Hope with my bros the other day

Who was the last person you danced with?: Can’t rememebr. I dance all the time lol

Who did you last yell at?: Antbody I was in Spider’s with, its bloody loud lol

Who last told you they loved you?: Shwenny

Who makes you smile most?: Depends on what they’re doing as to who lol

What are you listening to right now?: Nightwish; Slaying the Dreamer

What did you do yesterday?: Revised Biochemistry, got a new tattoo, farted around for a bit, went to the scouty xmas dinner yum!

Hugs or kisses?: Both are great lol