Wednesday, 23 July 2008

My Novel

Yesterday was quite an important day for me, though it didn't quite feel like it at the time. I was busy, so the significance of the day slipped by unnoticed.

Yesterday marked a year since I started work on my novel.

I finished the first draft at Christmas, giving it to my mother as her present with a dedication to her in the front. If it ever gets published, it will have that same dedication in the front. I am still working on the second draft, struggling to fit in my writing around everything else I need and want to do; struggling to find the energy and the inspiration to write.

I desperately want to get this published, but am slowly coming to realise tat this is highly unlikely while I'm still at University. I want to be a professional writer, but I also want to get my degree. I wouldn't have the time to meet any promotional demands a publisher would make should I be lucky enough to get a publishing deal.

Therefore, I believe I have come to a decision. I am going to finish this novel, then put it to one side. I will wait until I have left university before I attempt to get my book published. In the meantime I plan to work on the other ideas in my head. I have at least one sequel to the one I'm currently writing in the pipeline and at least one other idea I would like to try.

What I really want is to get back to the joy of writing; to be able to just let my imagination tun wild without worrying about whether it will sell or if people will like it. For now I think I will write for me. I'll worry about all that other stuff later

Monday, 14 July 2008

A meme a day ;p

Jacked from tegdoh

1. Which book would you like to jump into and why?
Most probably Lord of the Rings, given that its my favourite book. There’s so much to jump into, I could do anything I wanted in that world. As long as it involved waving a sword around and gurning at orcs once in while.

2. What do you do before bedtime?
check emails and facebook, say bye to Sam, put on pjs and brush teeth. Not necessarily in that order.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Simple, fairly low cost affair. What does it matter if you have 100 white doves or not as long as you’re marrying a man who loves you, respects you and wants to be with you for the rest of your lives?

4. If you can visit any planet, fictional or real what would it be?
Gallifrey. Orange sky people, how cool would that be?

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
A little bit of both, depending on the situation and who I’m with. And also occasionally the amount of alcohol available.

6. Cake or Death?
Uh death please… no! cake, cake, cake sorry.
You said death first ah ah ah death first!
I meant cake!

7. Do you trust easily?
No, not terribly easily no. But once I do I trust people implicitly.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Mope and be depressed about it and be utterly awkward and shy around him. Luckily, although he’s already attached, he’s attached to me ;p

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Being treated like shit by a potential employer.

10. Do you have a good body-image?
Not really. Nor do I have a particularly good perceived body image.

11. Is being tagged fun?
Dunno, I tend to steal memes rather than being tagged for them.

12. What websites do you visit daily?
Facebook, hotmail, SFFS forums, Least I Could Do webcomic

13. What is your favourite item of clothing?
Dunno. I love most of my t shirts to bits and have a few jackets I’m very fond of.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
No idea cos no one tagged me, I stole it :D

15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?
Usually Dove L’Amore by Cher. That happens a lot at the moment.

16. Where would you most like to travel?
New Zealand, Finland. I’ve also been promised a trip to Paris at some time in the indefinite future.

17. What's better: to give or to receive?
I believe you need a healthy balance of both.

18. What's the first thing you notice in people?
Whether their personality is genuine.

19. Would you bungie jump from the Empire State Building for $10,000,000?
Yes. These things really aren’t as dangerous as people think. It’s just they’re well publicised if and when things go wrong.

20: What were your parents going to name you if you'd been born the opposite gender?
Christopher. Which is what my elder brother is called.

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Lack of Better Things to Do?

I like memes, and currently have a fair amount of time on my hands. I like this one though, as it really makes you think about some things.

Nicked from iluvbeingme23

I am not: entirely sure I’m sane.
I love: my Splendibear
I hate: very sparingly
I fear: many trivial things. And being alone.
I hope: that things will stay pretty much the same for the foreseeable future.
I hear: things I shouldn’t and say nothing about them.
I crave: acceptance. And mostly these days I get it.
I regret: as few things as possible.
I cry: over small things sometimes. It’s usually those that get me.
I care: about many people.
I always: try want to do my best,
I believe: in myself now more than I ever have in the past.
I feel alone: very rarely these days.
I listen: when people need me to, and for as long as they need to speak.
I hide: my fears and my inadequacies.
I drive: people up the wall.
I sing: frequently, loudly and probably out of tune.
I dance: marginally better than I sing.
I write: because I have to. I can’t help myself.
I play: silly games on the internet to pass time.
I miss: people who aren’t in my life anymore; they’ll never know how much they mean to me.
I search: for the hero inside myself.
I learn: from my mistakes.
I feel: far older than I actually am.
I know: that even if I fail in everything I set out today, there are people who will still love me and support me.
I say: ridiculous things sometimes.
I succeed: when I try hard enough.
I dream: of some extremely odd things. Wookie research centres for example.
I wonder: what the future will hold. Then I remember half the funs in not knowing.
I want: world peace, but then doesn’t everyone?
I have: the right to remain silent.
I give: my time and my energy rather than my money.
I fell: hard and fast. And I’m still falling.
I fight: tooth and nail for those whom I love.
I need: food and water and shelter to survive; I need love to live

I've come to realize that when I talk: I will always have someone to listen.
I've come to realize that if I love someone: I give them everything I have to give.
I've come to realize that I need: nothing that I haven’t already got. Except maybe a job.
I've come to realize that I've lost: none of my childlike wonder.
I've come to realize that I hate it when: people judge me without knowing me. And the same when they do it to other people.
I've come to realize that if I'm drunk: I need to be very careful who I flirt with.
I've come to realize that money: is very useful, but isn’t everything.
I've come to realize that my mother: was right.
I've come to realize that I'll probably always be: the person I am now. You'll just have to get used to it.
I've come to realize that I have a crush on: lots of people. None of whom matter very much because I’m in love with someone anyway.
I've come to realize that the last time I cried was: very much needed.
I've come to realize that my cell phone: isn’t as useful as you’d think. Damn thing never rings.
I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I want to fall back asleep and into that dream.
I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night: I over think everything I’ve done in my day.
I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about: soppy things. And its all Sam’s fault.
I've come to realize that babies: taste better with ketchup (and obviously aren’t for me).
I've come to realize that today I will: do nothing particularly constructive.
I've come to realize that tonight I will: stay up far too late talking and procrastinating.
I've come to realize that tomorrow I will: be one day closer to where I want to be.
I've come to realize that I really want to: go dancing in the rain.
I've come to realize relationships: are only meaningful if you’re willing to work to make them that way.
I've come to realize love: is not something that really be defined, only expereinced.
I've come to realize my best guy friend: is a muppet, but I still love him,
I've come to realize my best girl friend: won’t ever be perfect.
I've come to realize food: tastes better when you’re eating it in good company.
I've come to realize that when I'm a boyfriend/girlfriend: I’m more likely to show my hopeless romantic side. Normally I hid it away.
I've come to realize girls and boys: are very different creatures with very different needs.
I've come to realize over the summer: that more people hold me in high esteem than I thought.
I've come to realize heartbreak: is something that you can get over.

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Memey : )

Single. Words. Only. No. Repeats.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Elsehere
3. Your hair? Purple
4. Your mother? Asleep
5. Your father? Same
6. Your favorite time of day? Morning
7. Your dream last night? Weird
8. Your favorite drink? Tea
9. Your dream goal? Writer
10. The room you’re in? Bedroom
11. Your ex? fool
12. Your fear? alone
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
14. What you are not? depressed
15. Your Favorite meal? pasta
16. One of your wish list items? job
17. The last thing you did? type
18. Where you grew up? seaside
19. What are you wearing? Clothes
20. Your TV is? off
21. Your pets? dog
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your life? complete
24. Your mood? happy
25. Missing someone? boyfriend
26. Your car? Car?
27. Something you’re not wearing? makeup
28. Favorite store? Bookstore
29. Your summer? boring
30. Your favorite color? purple
31. When is the last time you laughed? today
32. When is the last time you cried? thursday
33. Your health? good
34. Your children? Never!
35. Your future? good
36. Your beliefs? pagan
37. Young or old? young
38. Your image? geeky
39. Your appearance? dunno
40. Would you live your life over again knowing what you know? yup

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Call of Nature

I went for a walk today, just to get me out of the house. Walked around town, and then went to the beach.

It's amazing how I'd almost forgotten how amazing the wind felt on my skin, and how exhilarating the scent of the sea. That slight tang of salt on the air. I walked one the beach and enjoyed the feel of the cool, damp sand under my bare feet.

It made me feel alive again, and cleared my thoughts.

It was exactly what I needed after how I've felt all week, even if it didn't solve any of my problems.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Whiskey Lullaby

Whiskey Lullaby

This little fic is a bit of an experiment, and was inspired by the song ‘Whiskey Lullaby’ by Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley. Each of the chapters is a drabble, of exactly 100 words. Once again, I own nothing except my imagination. Please let me know what you think. Mature themes explored. Also my first LOTR fic in years.


Aragorn was weary; long had his road and his toil been, and he had been looking forward to a rest in his childhood home of Imladris for many months. But it was not just his weariness that had his spur his horse on; it was also the prospect of seeing his beloved Evenstar again, for it had been many a year since they had last met. He had not laid eyes upon his love since they had plight their troth on Cerin Amroth. Since then he had travelled much, and he felt old. He needed her to feel young again.

Chapter 1

He approached her chambers with the nervous excitement of a teenager in the throes of his first love. When he rapped on the door of her sitting room there was no answer so he let himself in. The room was empty, so he also let himself into her bedchamber, and his heart stopped. The sight of his beloved in the throes of passion with another man, an elf he didn’t recognise scorched his eyes. His jaw slackened and his heart shattered into a million tiny shards. Quickly he left the room, Arwen’s cries and apologies following him, haunting his steps.

Chapter 2

Fornost, and the sanctuary of his people was where Aragorn headed. He wanted to hide, to forget everything he had ever felt. Most of all he wanted to forget the images playing round his head. The months passed by and he threw himself into his work, and his journeys, but even falling into bed exhausted couldn’t make him forget. So Aragorn started drinking; wine, spirits, anything to try and make him forget, to erase the pain and allow himself a decent nights sleep without the dreams. His friends were worried about him, but he brushed them off, and kept drinking.

Chapter 3

Eventually the Dunedain were forced to take action against their leader. Aragorn had been drinking more and more, and was now a liability in battle. So they took him to the only place he would be safe; where there was help. Rivendell. Once there his problem only worsened. One night, when he’d had enough, Aragorn downed a bottle of whiskey and walked up a ravine in the valley. He stood at the edge, and let himself fall. They found him the next day, face down in the river; a note in his pocket saying ‘I’ll love her ‘til I die’.

Chapter 4

Arwen watched them bury him in a grove of trees he’d loved playing in as a child. She blamed herself for his death, how could she not? The day of his funeral she picked up one of his half drunk bottles of whiskey and finished for him, in his memory. Whispered rumours passed between the elves that is was her ‘affair’ that had driven him to kill himself. They pointed, they stared, and they blamed. She drank to block out their accusing gazes, to block out the guilt and the pain. She hid her problem, but it only grew worse.

Chapter 5

In her hand was a sketch she had done of Aragorn, years ago when they’d still been happy, and full of love. She took a sip of her whiskey. She missed him, so much it hurt. The guilt was too much. Her life was long, but without him it was unbearable. That was why she had decided to do this. She cut her wrists with a silver knife, and let the wounds bleed, sipping whiskey as she bled. They buried her beside her lost love, and it seemed even the Valar sang a lament for the deaths of the lovers.


The years wore on and passed into the War of the Ring. Here the deaths of Aragorn and Arwen were felt most keenly. Gollum was never captured and taken to the elves of Mirkwood. The kingdoms of men remained scattered, divided, leaderless; Gondor and Rohan were both razed to the ground. The Hobbits never made it to Rivendell with the ring. The Nazg├╗l found them and Sauron took back what was his. There was no Fellowship to stop him. He covered Middle Earth in a darkness that would last until the ending of the world.

Thus ended the Third Age.

Like the Twilight

For reasons I'm not quite sure I understand, I have spent most of today perilously close to tears. I think it might just be things building up again; tiny small things that could easily be dealt with on their own, but together are almost too much to cope with.

I know that the fact I still don't have a job is getting to me again. I had an interview on Friday and haven't yet heard back; the waiting is killing me. I've managed to convince myself that I won't get it, but I don't want to go searching for another job until I know for sure.

The lack of a job has lead to extreme irritable boredom. I'm itching for something to do, something constructive, and that preferably doesn't involve staring at a screen for hours on end. Yet when I try to do odd jobs, even the weather conspires against me. There are cars to wash and grass to be mown but I can't because of the traditional English summer we're having.

And on top of that, somewhere inside me there is a hole, and it hurts. The kind of hurt that comes from questioning friendships you thought were forever; the kind of hole that is left when you're unsure how long someone will be in your life. I know I want to be there for the person in question, but again I'm left wondering how many more times I can withstand them hurting me. I've lost too many friends, and I would hate to lose them as well but that is what may well happen when I've had too much and finally speak my mind.

I know that all of this feels so much worse because I'm missing Sam. He is my rock and my strength; things seem so much easier to deal with when we're together. Compassion just isn't the same when it's given over MSN or down the phone; nothing can compare to offloading the troubles of your mind while in the arms of the one you love.

But I am going to stay positive. Tomorrow I am going to get a letter telling em I've got this job, and then I will have something to occupy my time; things are going to turn out fine with my friend, and I shall be seeing Sam again on the 17th.

And then on the 19th we will celebrate six months together.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Letter to an Old Friend- Mark II

Yesterday marked a year since we parted ways, and I barely even noticed it. There was no significance to the day for me, I wonder if anything registered in your mind.

For me the important thing is not the fact I missed it; I want to tell you why I missed it.

I missed what could have been a significantly miserable marker in my life because right now I am the happiest I have been in a very, very long time. I missed the first anniversary of our breaking up because I am far more focussed on the far more important fact that I am coming up to the half year anniversary with someone else.

I refuse to compare you to him, or him to you, because that's not fair on either of you. But I will tell you that I love him, completely, with my whole heart and every fibre of my being. With him I can be myself, in ways I never could with you, and I know that he loves me, completely, for the person that I am.

I found my knight in shining armour, I found the man who could set my soul on fire. He taught me how to love again, deeper and stronger than ever before. Because of him I am now free of my fear of the future; I am free to be myself. He tells me I am beautiful and I believe him, because it is written in his eyes. When did you ever tell me I was beautiful?

I still do not regret the time we had together, and I know that I will never forget you, but I have moved on now, and I hope that you have too. I hope that you are happy. I know that I am completely, utterly, totally happy. I have found someone who feels like the other half of my soul, and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life (which I am no longer afraid to plan) finding out if he is.