Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Like the Twilight

For reasons I'm not quite sure I understand, I have spent most of today perilously close to tears. I think it might just be things building up again; tiny small things that could easily be dealt with on their own, but together are almost too much to cope with.

I know that the fact I still don't have a job is getting to me again. I had an interview on Friday and haven't yet heard back; the waiting is killing me. I've managed to convince myself that I won't get it, but I don't want to go searching for another job until I know for sure.

The lack of a job has lead to extreme irritable boredom. I'm itching for something to do, something constructive, and that preferably doesn't involve staring at a screen for hours on end. Yet when I try to do odd jobs, even the weather conspires against me. There are cars to wash and grass to be mown but I can't because of the traditional English summer we're having.

And on top of that, somewhere inside me there is a hole, and it hurts. The kind of hurt that comes from questioning friendships you thought were forever; the kind of hole that is left when you're unsure how long someone will be in your life. I know I want to be there for the person in question, but again I'm left wondering how many more times I can withstand them hurting me. I've lost too many friends, and I would hate to lose them as well but that is what may well happen when I've had too much and finally speak my mind.

I know that all of this feels so much worse because I'm missing Sam. He is my rock and my strength; things seem so much easier to deal with when we're together. Compassion just isn't the same when it's given over MSN or down the phone; nothing can compare to offloading the troubles of your mind while in the arms of the one you love.

But I am going to stay positive. Tomorrow I am going to get a letter telling em I've got this job, and then I will have something to occupy my time; things are going to turn out fine with my friend, and I shall be seeing Sam again on the 17th.

And then on the 19th we will celebrate six months together.

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